Being a mom is quite possibly the toughest and craziest job you’ll ever have. You’ll learn multiple new languages, your little boss will often spew his breakfast all over you, you’ll become a quick-changing magic act, ward off monsters in closets, kiss invisible boo-boos, become a magnet for all things drool and booger related, and be the point guy for all things awkward when hormones hit. Aaaaaannnnddd…you won’t get paid for said job. Okay, you kind of get paid —with either crumpled Monopoly money or leftover goldfish crackers.
I became a mom at the ripe old ages of 24 and 27. These two kids turned my world upside down and inside out. They’ve taught me more in the last 14 years than I ever imagined possible. Here are some examples:
- Don’t let an 18-month old near Post-It notes. You will find your room redecorated in a lovely hue of yellow.
- Stickers can be your best friend and your worst enemy. They provide hours of quiet fun, but you’ll also find your daughter covered in them when she’s asleep.
- Cinnamon rolls and cranberry juice are not a good breakfast combo. Ever.
- Pet unicorns make a lot of noise when tied up outside of a classroom. They need to stay locked up at home, or else your kiddo may get a red card at school.
- It is absolutely acceptable to do schoolwork while wearing a Speed Racer helmet.
- Pillowcases make excellent hiding places.
- Ballpoint pen ink is almost as hard to wash off skin as Sharpie ink.
- You can, in fact, get wedged between the sink and faucet in a bathroom while smearing toothpaste all over the counter.
- Dance parties before bed are also perfectly acceptable.
- “Stop” actually means “go right ahead until I hurt myself.”
- If a fly sneaks in through a car window, the amount of screaming may result in having to pull over to the side of the freeway.
This job isn’t for the faint at heart. There will be a lot of timeouts, raised voices and LEGOs strewn all over the floor. But there are also the moments when they give you a hug for no reason, forgive you for serenading the house at 10 p.m. on a school night and still whisper “I love you,” even though they’re too cool to be saying it out loud. You’ll be mortified when they tell you that in the heat of the moment, they maaaaaay have told someone to “Shut the f**k up,” but you give them a small high-five for using the word correctly.
I’m lucky to call myself mom to these two amazing not-so-little humans.